Times of Connection

“It is full unhurried attention. Under the right circumstances it is a peaceful, rewarding time for both parties because, ideally, it’s a time of no ambivalence, one for open listening, taking in the other person, trying to fully understand the other’s point of view.” - Magda Gerber

Finding times for connection with your child - what does it look like? How do you know the difference between when to engage and play or when to sit back, observe and be present.

 What areas of connection fill me up and fill up my child? Maybe these don’t always align - how can we maneuver that and still be authentic to ourselves and to our relationship?

I used to pride myself on saying “I never play with my children, that isn’t my job.” That sounds kind of mean and judgmental, but the sentiment I was trying to convey was that I worked hard to encourage my children to play independently. Of course, I found areas where I would “play” but I tried to sit back and allow them to lead. I would only move forward by following their ideas. Then my husband would come in, sit down, and start building a giant castle with blocks or vrooming cars all over the living room. I realized both approaches have a place in a child’s world, both can exist and both are equally important.

For my husband, these were areas of connection and joy. He was showing his children how he loved them and how he wanted to share in their imaginative play. Our children lit up at this – so enthralled in his enthusiasm and attention. Meanwhile, I was sitting back thinking I’ll have to maintain this entertainment if you set this standard; however, that wasn’t necessarily true. In truth, I learned both types of connection can exist.

Imaginative play was never really my area of connection. Sure, I ate some pretend mud pie and had had my fair share of sword fights; however, my husband is very skilled at imaginative play and always left me feeling like the boring parent. To my surprise though, when I read about the impact that finding times of connection during caretaking activities can have on both the caretaker and child (from Magda Gerber), I am pleasantly relieved. Overall, I find the tasks I need to complete still get done, and I also find time to connect during them. In other words, slowing myself down and filling my child’s cup up as well.

Now, don’t read that last sentence and think every caretaking task is a connection point for both my child and me - very false. I still lose my mind when my son relentlessly behaves as if he has never put on his shoes in his entire life. That is not my area of connection. In fact, that is my area of utter downfall but alas each day is a new day.

I do find that one of my favorite times for connection was bath time and the moments right after - this is my area. First, I get one on one time with both children. I take a moment to ask about their day. I can’t walk away or be easily distracted because I am washing hair and scrubbing dirty feet. I have always said at the beginning of baths, “let’s wash the day away” and now my children hop into the shower and say that very saying to me. Queuing our moment of togetherness.

Afterward, I take a moment to wrap them in their towel, gaze at their beautiful faces, and tell them how much I love them. We go pick out our pjs and brush hair; all of it just has become kind of part of the routine now. This rhythm opens up time for them to chat, and I have learned with each of them what that looks like.

My daughter - I have to wait for her to initiate. The conversation has to be all her idea and, in her timing, which means, I need to be fully available for it to happen. My son, well he never stops talking and is so happy to have a moment where I pay full attention to all he has to say.

Sure, there are definitely meltdowns over pajamas that aren’t clean, but most of the time it’s just a moment for us to be together. I often remind myself at this time, that someday soon, I won’t be pulling Hot Wheel pajamas out of the drawer anymore. I won’t be asked to wrap them up in a towel. I won’t get sprayed with water every time they hold the shower head and forget where they are pointing it.

Do my children seek connection other times during the day? Of course. Another time, that is sacred in our home is reading after dinner. We all squish together on one lumpy couch cushion and read together.

Are there times when I can’t connect? Yes. Or times when my attempt to connect just doesn’t go as planned? Absolutely

Other times, I simply have other things to do and can’t sit down to read a book as quickly as they might like. In these situations, I try to just be honest and straightforward.

“I hear you want to read a book right now, but I have to finish cleaning up dinner. I’ll be able to read one book when I’m done.”

Does it always fill them up? Not necessarily. I’ve noticed that when I sit to read, sometimes it isn’t actually what my daughter wants in that moment. I try to offer it anyway, and if I can, I try to find another way to connect during our bedtime routine. It doesn’t always happen - and that’s okay. All we can do is make our best effort with what the day brings and our capacity as parents.

Finding moments of connection also happen naturally throughout the day - if we are paying attention. While carving out time with your children is important and impactful, connection also happens in the moments that they seek us. As parents, we need to be present to see the opportunity.

Connection is the foundation of any relationship - how we connect with another, how safe we feel to be our authentic selves, and how comfortable we are in sharing our thoughts and feelings. As parents we want to be the first place our children seek. We want to build that relationship now. We want our foundation to say:

Your ideas, your questions, your dreams, your mistakes – are safe here.

If we build that now, while they are tiny, we can only hope they will continue to trust us as they grow.  

What do areas of connection look like for you? Maybe you’ve never thought about them before. We all have ways that tell us someone delights in us - that we are seen and loved and sought after.

Our children need these times to feel seen. They need their cups filled so they can go off and do the important work of creating play ideas, interacting with peers, being creative, and problem solving. Then, they return to us - when they are weary and need to find comfort and warmth.

It is a rhythm. One that changes with seasons, changes as children grow where we get to know them all over again and changes as us parents grow as well. We learn, adapt and try again to find our way of connecting. In hopes that when our children are grown, they still want to find moments of connection with us.